How to know if a decision is right for you (without asking a million other people)

When we’re trying to make decisions in our personal or professional lives, it’s hard at the best of times. But as recovering people pleasers, it can be really easy to find yourself asking 1,000,001 other people about what they think you should do. when in fact, it's your decision and your decision only.

Read on to find out how to choose the right thing to do, without second guessing yourself…

Why being a people pleaser makes decisions so difficult

According to social psychologist Dr Susan Newman,  people pleasers want everyone around them to be happy + will do whatever it takes to keep them that way. 

From a personal perspective, this is something I can totally relate to - in fact, people pleasing has plagued me for most of my life. From what restaurant to book to go out with the girls on Friday night, to saying ‘yes’ to working for free, to saying ‘sure thing!’ when someone asks to meet me to ‘pick my brains’... the lack of ability to pick where I wanted to go, or say no and value my time plagued me for most of my life. 

What did this result in?

Burnout. Nasty, messy, exhausted burnout.

Being so unsure of who *I* was (not what everyone else wanted me to be).

Some serious boundary issues.

Fair to say, I’ve been there + got the t-shirt. 

Where does our people pleasing come from?

People pleasing tends to originate from low self-esteem, with value being placed on other people’s needs over your own. It’s the sense that, in order to receive love + attention, we have to act and behave in a certain way. Throughout childhood and into adulthood, we become so used to meeting other people’s needs that we forget what our own are.

What to do next

So the question is, how can we tune into ourselves + trust our guts? How can we avoid asking several people their opinion before we make a decision? How can we dance in the front window (very questionably...!) like Jane who lives around the corner and quite simply, not give two flying f***s? 

Next time you get stuck, here are some ideas on how to know if a decision is right for you:

Number one:

Think: How does this align with your values?

If you went for this decision, would it align with the values that you stand by?

For example if one of your values is to be compassionate, both to yourself and others, does being asked to work for free meet both of those criteria? Or maybe another is to work with integrity - is taking on that client that you really don’t want to work with doing that for you?

Number two:

Uncover: How does this connect with the bigger picture? 

By going through this thing, will it help you to take a step forwards towards the life that you want to lead? 

Maybe doing the free work above is your first step on the ladder to building experience in a new area, in which case it may help you to move forwards. Or are you staying small because playing big can be scary?

Number three:

Understand: Does it feel good for us to do this thing? 

Listen to your body. Do you get a knot in your stomach? Does your heart rate fasten? Or maybe you get a clenching of your jaw?

You might even find yourself procrastinating, doing the dishes / the washing / the cooking / the food shopping / clearing out your inbox / anything apart from the thing itself, because deep down you just don’t want to do it.

If it doesn't feel good, scrap it.

But isn’t it easier to carry on the way I am? 

Well, yes, it can be. But where is that going to get you? Our brain’s job is to keep us safe, so it wants us to stick with what we know. 

But is that moving you forward? Is it helping you live life in the way you want + thrive in your version of success? 

Most people stay where they are because it’s safer and easier to play small than it is to start going against what you’ve previously learnt (in this case, that other people’s needs come before yours). 

As Dr Joe Dispenza talks about in his book, ‘Breaking the habit of being yourself’, you’re not hardwired to be + do things in a certain way for the rest of your life. You get to choose whether or not your needs come first. 

Start listening to your intuition + inner knowing; it’s generally telling you something for a reason! You + your needs matter. You have the choice to find what you need + make decisions that work for you. 

“I have learned that if I want to rise, I have to sink first. I have to search for and depend upon the voice of inner wisdom instead of voices of outer approval.”

-- Glennon Doyle 

Is it time for you to stop saying yes to everyone else and start living life intentionally and intuitively? I offer 1:1 coaching to help you flip your people pleaser script and finally start to create success on your own terms. Did you know I have a freebie to help you figure your beliefs out? I’d love for you to come say hi on insta too.